It’s interesting how people treat mental illness as this sort of separate entity to you. This thing you need to defeat, as if it were something that has it’s own will and agenda, like a bacteria that has infected you. I wonder if that is where some of the hatred of your own mind comes from, you imagine your illness as something foreign that has no business being inside you, an enemy.
When you go to therapy they tell you you need to change your way of thinking, redirect and dissect thoughts that causes you to act or feel a certain way. It’s a little shocking to have someone tell you that no, it’s not like an infection, that your illness is a part of you. It will never go away. You will have times, hopefully years and years, when you can manage it, but it will never be truly gone. I feel like one of the first reactions when someone tells you this is defensiveness. If it’s a part of me, why should I change it? My brain does all these things for me automatically, like breathing, and loving, who are you to tell me this isn’t it’s way of protecting me? It’s hard to accept that your mind is doing something that is destructive, when all your life you’ve trusted it. Especially when so much of mental illness is subconscious, you aren’t even aware when you are rationalizing these thoughts that lead to you act the way you do.
Mental illness illness is difficult to deal with because you lose trust in yourself. You don’t understand why you can’t just take medication to fix your brain. You are too tired and too angry with yourself to help yourself. It takes a long time to change a part of you, and everyone is so impatient. It’s a big burden knowing you are the one standing in the way of yourself.